This Is Just to Say After William Carlos Williams I have stolen the vibrator, and hid it in a drawer when you came to take your things. I am pretending you haven’t noticed but if I know you, you have and if you know me, you know I feel guilty. I tell myself: Fat, sick introverts deserve pleasure too. I tell myself: It has lived on my side of the bed for over two years and could really, then, be considered mine. I tell myself: Orgasms are how I break open now that you aren’t here to bite flesh and soul. I cry when I come, and yes, I realize how sad that sounds but release appears in many forms. Forgive me: the truth is the idea of it - of you - with another was just too much for me to bare. Bathtime Ritual for the Slow Transformation into a Mermaid 1. Turn on the spigot. Watch it water fall into the tub. Test heat with tip of toe. 2. Add to the water: 4 cups salt for cleansing; 1 sprig rosemary so you won’t forget you belong to the Earth; 6 drops of frankincense to ease you through this change. 3. Peel off the day one layer of clothing at a time. Make a pile in the corner of the floor; it does not matter if they get dirty. Once transformed you will no longer need them. 4. Light three candles, blue: one that smells like the wind, one of the dirt that grows pine trees, one like the spot you nestle your face behind your lover’s ear. Turn out the lights. 5. Run fingers over spine, vertebrae by vertebrae, down to your pelvis. Feel where bones have begun to weave themselves together. Do not mourn this. Remember you are transforming. 6. Step into water. Ease into water. Feel it pulling you home. 7. Close your eyes and wait.
Angie Ebba is a queer disabled writer, educator, and performer who has taught writing workshops and performed across the United States. She has poetry published in Closet Cases, Queering Sexual Violence, and several literary magazines. She’s also a published essayist with a focus on writing about health and disability, body positivity, and relationships. Angie teaches poetry and writing online and in person. Angie believes strongly in the power of words to help us gain a better understanding of ourselves, to build connections and community, and to make personal and social change. Angie can be found online at rebelonpage.com